Some of the questions the Musashi Field Manual asked this week have also been nagging at me. Questions like "What inconsequential comparisons am I allowing my thoughts to be clouded by?" "What power do these thoughts take from me?" "Are my opinions part of the problem?" "Seeking praise is hard work, and the reward is short lived. Where in life do I seek praise?" All these questions are weighing heavy on me.
I consider myself a fairly private person and try to keep my social media light and happy. No airing dirty laundry, no 'vague-booking', and so on. I don't always succeed, but I try. However, in an attempt to be vulnerable and to let go of some of these useless insecurities, I have some confessions to make. Here goes:
I think that I seek a lot of external validation to make up for a lack of internal self confidence. I don't like being in the lime-light because I'm worried I will be a disappointment, but at the same time I secretly want to excel and crave approval.
I am terrified of being made to look stupid in front of people. What I mean is, if I am having a conversation with someone I look up to and respect, and they ask me a question, unless I know with absolute certainty I know the answer, I'll try to deflect and say I don't know. And even when I do know the answer, often I will second guess myself and simply say "I'm not sure". Either way I always feel embarrassed and feel like I should have answered differently or I should have known the answer or been more confident.
Further, I constantly worry about saying the right things when I'm with people who I respect and admire. I worry that everything I say sounds stupid or lame. I recently got a discord account and have been using it to get guidance from some people I back on Patreon. After I finished my most recent work, I asked if they minded when people colored their line art, like I had just done. That was days ago and I've gotten no response. I know they've been online because they've commented in other threads. I've been plagued by thoughts of "How stupid and pathetic, you sound like a crazy, dim-witted fan-girl, of course they haven't answered, why would they even dignify such a stupid question with an answer." Even as I'm typing this up, I am debating whether I will post this or not, because "No one gives a shit and you're just making yourself look like a lame-ass complainer."
I think that I seek a lot of external validation to make up for a lack of internal self confidence. I don't like being in the lime-light because I'm worried I will be a disappointment, but at the same time I secretly want to excel and crave approval.
I am terrified of being made to look stupid in front of people. What I mean is, if I am having a conversation with someone I look up to and respect, and they ask me a question, unless I know with absolute certainty I know the answer, I'll try to deflect and say I don't know. And even when I do know the answer, often I will second guess myself and simply say "I'm not sure". Either way I always feel embarrassed and feel like I should have answered differently or I should have known the answer or been more confident.
Further, I constantly worry about saying the right things when I'm with people who I respect and admire. I worry that everything I say sounds stupid or lame. I recently got a discord account and have been using it to get guidance from some people I back on Patreon. After I finished my most recent work, I asked if they minded when people colored their line art, like I had just done. That was days ago and I've gotten no response. I know they've been online because they've commented in other threads. I've been plagued by thoughts of "How stupid and pathetic, you sound like a crazy, dim-witted fan-girl, of course they haven't answered, why would they even dignify such a stupid question with an answer." Even as I'm typing this up, I am debating whether I will post this or not, because "No one gives a shit and you're just making yourself look like a lame-ass complainer."
I just recently accepted a position as a PTA. (yay me) But instead of being excited, I'm nervous and anxious about my first day next week. I'm afraid I'm going to be "found out" and that I don't actually know anything and that I'll be incapable of doing the job.
I've heard these types of feelings/behavior patterns described as "High Functioning Anxiety" or "Impostor Syndrome". I bear them as my secret shame while trying to present myself as cool and collected to the outside world. My husband is one of the few people who knows the deep dark truth about how horribly out of control my self doubt and anxiety can spiral.
Here's the thing. I KNOW I'm not stupid. I know that I'm intelligent and accomplished. I have multiple degrees and a host of continuing education certifications. I'm eloquently spoken (most of the time). I work hard. I'm always striving to learn more or deepen my understanding on various topics. I posses a decent amount of common sense to boot. So why do I constantly feel bogged down with the weight of always feeling shitty about myself or stressing over whether or not someone perceives me as unintelligent or unskilled? I have some friends out there who will say it is because I haven't decided to truly accept or love myself, or I haven't acknowledged my inner goddess and divine light. Maybe that's true?
I think this is where a lot of the questions that Kris Wilder presented with this precept start to make sense.
I've heard these types of feelings/behavior patterns described as "High Functioning Anxiety" or "Impostor Syndrome". I bear them as my secret shame while trying to present myself as cool and collected to the outside world. My husband is one of the few people who knows the deep dark truth about how horribly out of control my self doubt and anxiety can spiral.
Here's the thing. I KNOW I'm not stupid. I know that I'm intelligent and accomplished. I have multiple degrees and a host of continuing education certifications. I'm eloquently spoken (most of the time). I work hard. I'm always striving to learn more or deepen my understanding on various topics. I posses a decent amount of common sense to boot. So why do I constantly feel bogged down with the weight of always feeling shitty about myself or stressing over whether or not someone perceives me as unintelligent or unskilled? I have some friends out there who will say it is because I haven't decided to truly accept or love myself, or I haven't acknowledged my inner goddess and divine light. Maybe that's true?
I think this is where a lot of the questions that Kris Wilder presented with this precept start to make sense.
Constant comparisons to others and worries about how I am perceived, these things are not things I can control. Everyone is on a different path and a different journey. Comparing myself to them doesn't really do any good. They're in a different place than I am, thinking thoughts unknown to me, and they've had different experiences along the way. I cannot control what they think of me. I can only control myself and my responses to the world around me. Thoughts and anxieties only detract from I could be doing. In essence, they are robbing me of power, productivity, even my very happiness. My opinion that what others think of me is important keeps me tethered to these negative thoughts.
Ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that important. I'm 1 human among 7,500,000,000. My number one responsibility is to be a good human. To live my best life, to be honest and compassionate, to try to help people where I can, to take care of the earth. In addition, Musashi's first precept is to "Accept everything just the way it is." Not only does questioning my value and my ability get me no-where, it also creates dissonance within myself. As I said, I know I am a smart, capable woman. Why fight that? Why be so afraid someone will not see me that way? Why tell myself a different story than the truth?
Breaking free from society's programming can be difficulty, and it's something I'm still working very hard at. Things that happened in my past don't have to define how I view myself in the present. I'm not a victim. I'm not the little kid who got picked on and bullied and ostracized. I've grown up into a bad ass warrior maiden who knows how to work hard and has a learned a ton of shit about a lot of different subjects. Anatomy, Physical Therapy, Fitness, Graphic Design, Art, all kinds of stuff.
Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
What I'm coming to realize this week is that this means I need to rest easy and be confident in the truth of who I am. I shouldn't be wasting energy feeling anxious about how people may perceive me. Those are heavy thoughts and they weigh me down and make me feel like shit. The truth is that I am an intelligent, thoughtful, creative, strong, capable, loving human. I don't have to spend time and energy thinking deeply about my truth, those thoughts don't weigh anything! If anything, they're like anti-gravity thoughts they're so light. What I should be thinking deeply about is how I can impact the world. How can I make a difference in someone's life? How can I change the world for the better, even if it's just for one person? How can I use my skills and talents to help lift someone else up and make their world a better place?
Ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that important. I'm 1 human among 7,500,000,000. My number one responsibility is to be a good human. To live my best life, to be honest and compassionate, to try to help people where I can, to take care of the earth. In addition, Musashi's first precept is to "Accept everything just the way it is." Not only does questioning my value and my ability get me no-where, it also creates dissonance within myself. As I said, I know I am a smart, capable woman. Why fight that? Why be so afraid someone will not see me that way? Why tell myself a different story than the truth?
Breaking free from society's programming can be difficulty, and it's something I'm still working very hard at. Things that happened in my past don't have to define how I view myself in the present. I'm not a victim. I'm not the little kid who got picked on and bullied and ostracized. I've grown up into a bad ass warrior maiden who knows how to work hard and has a learned a ton of shit about a lot of different subjects. Anatomy, Physical Therapy, Fitness, Graphic Design, Art, all kinds of stuff.
Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.
What I'm coming to realize this week is that this means I need to rest easy and be confident in the truth of who I am. I shouldn't be wasting energy feeling anxious about how people may perceive me. Those are heavy thoughts and they weigh me down and make me feel like shit. The truth is that I am an intelligent, thoughtful, creative, strong, capable, loving human. I don't have to spend time and energy thinking deeply about my truth, those thoughts don't weigh anything! If anything, they're like anti-gravity thoughts they're so light. What I should be thinking deeply about is how I can impact the world. How can I make a difference in someone's life? How can I change the world for the better, even if it's just for one person? How can I use my skills and talents to help lift someone else up and make their world a better place?
It's not easy stuff, trying undo 30 years of negative self-talk and bad programming. Nothing worth doing is ever easy; but that's what makes it worth the effort.
