The 4th Precept

I've been thinking a lot about this week's precept, which is "Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world."

Some of the questions the Musashi Field Manual asked this week have also been nagging at me. Questions like "What inconsequential comparisons am I allowing my thoughts to be clouded by?" "What power do these thoughts take from me?" "Are my opinions part of the problem?" "Seeking praise is hard work, and the reward is short lived. Where in life do I seek praise?" All these questions are weighing heavy on me.

I consider myself a fairly private person and try to keep my social media light and happy. No airing dirty laundry, no 'vague-booking', and so on. I don't always succeed, but I try. However, in an attempt to be vulnerable and to let go of some of these useless insecurities, I have some confessions to make. Here goes:

I think that I seek a lot of external validation to make up for a lack of internal self confidence. I don't like being in the lime-light because I'm worried I will be a disappointment, but at the same time I secretly want to excel and crave approval.

I am terrified of being made to look stupid in front of people. What I mean is, if I am having a conversation with someone I look up to and respect, and they ask me a question, unless I know with absolute certainty I know the answer, I'll try to deflect and say I don't know. And even when I do know the answer, often I will second guess myself and simply say "I'm not sure". Either way I always feel embarrassed and feel like I should have answered differently or I should have known the answer or been more confident.

Further, I constantly worry about saying the right things when I'm with people who I respect and admire. I worry that everything I say sounds stupid or lame. I recently got a discord account and have been using it to get guidance from some people I back on Patreon. After I finished my most recent work, I asked if they minded when people colored their line art, like I had just done. That was days ago and I've gotten no response. I know they've been online because they've commented in other threads. I've been plagued by thoughts of "How stupid and pathetic, you sound like a crazy, dim-witted fan-girl, of course they haven't answered, why would they even dignify such a stupid question with an answer." Even as I'm typing this up, I am debating whether I will post this or not, because "No one gives a shit and you're just making yourself look like a lame-ass complainer."

I just recently accepted a position as a PTA. (yay me) But instead of being excited, I'm nervous and anxious about my first day next week. I'm afraid I'm going to be "found out" and that I don't actually know anything and that I'll be incapable of doing the job.

I've heard these types of feelings/behavior patterns described as "High Functioning Anxiety" or "Impostor Syndrome". I bear them as my secret shame while trying to present myself as cool and collected to the outside world. My husband is one of the few people who knows the deep dark truth about how horribly out of control my self doubt and anxiety can spiral.

Here's the thing. I KNOW I'm not stupid. I know that I'm intelligent and accomplished. I have multiple degrees and a host of continuing education certifications. I'm eloquently spoken (most of the time). I work hard. I'm always striving to learn more or deepen my understanding on various topics. I posses a decent amount of common sense to boot. So why do I constantly feel bogged down with the weight of always feeling shitty about myself or stressing over whether or not someone perceives me as unintelligent or unskilled? I have some friends out there who will say it is because I haven't decided to truly accept or love myself, or I haven't acknowledged my inner goddess and divine light. Maybe that's true?

I think this is where a lot of the questions that Kris Wilder presented with this precept start to make sense.

Constant comparisons to others and worries about how I am perceived, these things are not things I can control. Everyone is on a different path and a different journey. Comparing myself to them doesn't really do any good. They're in a different place than I am, thinking thoughts unknown to me, and they've had different experiences along the way. I cannot control what they think of me. I can only control myself and my responses to the world around me. Thoughts and anxieties only detract from I could be doing. In essence, they are robbing me of power, productivity, even my very happiness. My opinion that what others think of me is important keeps me tethered to these negative thoughts.

Ultimately, in the grand scheme of things, I'm not that important. I'm 1 human among 7,500,000,000. My number one responsibility is to be a good human. To live my best life, to be honest and compassionate, to try to help people where I can, to take care of the earth. In addition, Musashi's first precept is to "Accept everything just the way it is." Not only does questioning my value and my ability get me no-where, it also creates dissonance within myself. As I said, I know I am a smart, capable woman. Why fight that? Why be so afraid someone will not see me that way? Why tell myself a different story than the truth?

Breaking free from society's programming can be difficulty, and it's something I'm still working very hard at. Things that happened in my past don't have to define how I view myself in the present. I'm not a victim. I'm not the little kid who got picked on and bullied and ostracized. I've grown up into a bad ass warrior maiden who knows how to work hard and has a learned a ton of shit about a lot of different subjects. Anatomy, Physical Therapy, Fitness, Graphic Design, Art, all kinds of stuff.

Think lightly of yourself and deeply of the world.

What I'm coming to realize this week is that this means I need to rest easy and be confident in the truth of who I am. I shouldn't be wasting energy feeling anxious about how people may perceive me. Those are heavy thoughts and they weigh me down and make me feel like shit. The truth is that I am an intelligent, thoughtful, creative, strong, capable, loving human. I don't have to spend time and energy thinking deeply about my truth, those thoughts don't weigh anything! If anything, they're like anti-gravity thoughts they're so light. What I should be thinking deeply about is how I can impact the world. How can I make a difference in someone's life? How can I change the world for the better, even if it's just for one person? How can I use my skills and talents to help lift someone else up and make their world a better place?

It's not easy stuff, trying undo 30 years of negative self-talk and bad programming. Nothing worth doing is ever easy; but that's what makes it worth the effort. 

A Brief Re-Introduction

It's been a really long time since I've posted.

So much has changed in the last 4 years. I've gotten married. I went back to school (again). I've semi-changed careers. I've had a life coach. Life is ever evolving and always changing. I don't feel like I'm  the same Samurai Girl who started this blog. I've grown up a bit more. I'm not as involved in the martial arts, but I've been exposed to all kinds of new activities like rock climbing, canyoning, aerial circus, and more. I would like to start blogging again, but I think in order to continue here the blog needed a bit of an update.

That being said, welcome to Breakfast at Fliffani's! (Ha. Get it? Well, so much for the being grown up part.)

I've been working through Kris Wilder's Musashi Field Manual and reading The Dokkodo. It's great stuff, but it leaves me feeling very introspective and wanting an outlet to share some of the thought processes I've been working through. I plan on posting some of those musings here.

In addition I have been re-focusing on my artwork lately. I have several projects I want to accomplish in the next year or two, so hopefully I'll be able to start posting some artwork and story ideas here.

Thanks for stopping by and I'll post more soon.

Humble Pie - Asking for support for advanced training

Wow.

I can't believe it's been almost a year since I last posted. I can't even begin to explain how many things have changed. Denver is awesome, but it's been a very stressful last few months. Between October and now I've had maybe 12 - 15 days off in total. I finally was able to go back to being seasonal at Barnes and Noble so I have some time to study for State Board Testing and start really job hunting in April. I am currently in training at a Spa down in Castle Rock, which is really exciting.

I am one month away from finishing school at the Aveda Institute. I will be dual licensed in massage therapy and aesthetics/esthetics. I am working on lining up some jobs, and the good news is that full time employment for massage therapists is around 32 hours a week, or four days. This will give me lots of time to go back to training in the martial arts and drawing. But I digress.

The main reason that I am writing this post is because, as some of my readers know, I made the decision to switch careers because I wasn't really happy in the design industry. I like art, I just don't like doing graphic design and advertising for a living. I didn't feel like I was really making a difference in anyone's life. I wasn't interacting with people or reaching them on a personal level. I know graphic design has the capacity to do this, but I just wasn't feeling fulfilled. I sort of wandered around for a while and considered many other careers, including personal trainer and physical therapist, but I eventually settled on massage therapy. After going to school for massage I can definitely say that I picked the right choice.

I absolutely love getting to make people feel great. The benefits of massage are AMAZING! Better health, better sense of well being, reduced muscle pain, better digestion, relief from stress, tension, anxiety, better mobility and range of motion, etc. Ultimately I've decided I want to specialize more in modalities that allow me to work deep tissue work and to work with athletes and/or very active people. Not that I can't work on anyone, but being around martial artists, cross fitters, LEO, etc. I want to work with people who work with their bodies a lot. Especially after working on the guys at my gym (Axistence Athletics) and seeing how even a few sessions has made a difference for them.

The problem is that deep tissue work can be incredibly hard on a massage therapists' body. Especially for us smaller massage therapists. Even with really good posture and body mechanics I am finding that I can be a little sore at the end of the day. And I only do massage two days a week in school. I'll be doing double once I'm graduated and employed. Many massage therapists have incredibly short careers, lasting between 2 and 5 years before they destroy their shoulders, wrists, or thumbs, from repetitive motion strain. AHHH! This terrifies me! I don't want to be in pain all the time or have life long problems with my shoulders, wrists or thumbs! I want to help people with their pain, stiffness, anxiety, etc and still take care of my body too.

I have really fallen in love with this line of work and would love to be able to do it for years to come. Nick's massage therapist in Oklahoma practices a modality called Ashiatsu. (Which is where I first heard about it). Ashiatsu (Ashi = feet and Atsu = pressure) is where the massage therapist can walk on the client's body and use their feet and their body weight to apply pressure. They get to use their full body weight and gravity to do all of the hard work and it saves the massage therapist's body. When I decided on massage therapy I knew that I wanted to learn this as soon as possible.

Now that I am at the end of my program, I started looking into attending an Ashiatsu class. I was lucky enough to receive the last spot in the April class here in Denver. This is actually the place where this modality was made and I will get to study with the lady who developed it! Here is a Link to the Deep Feet School in case you're curious. So the end of April is going to look like this:

April 22nd - Last classroom day at school
April 23rd - Take the MBLEX (this test lets me get licensed in the state of CO)
April 24th - 27th - Take Ashiatsu barefoot basics and the anterior and side lying class (Missing my last clinic floor day at school to take this class)
April 28th - Graduation

I can get everything all wrapped up at once and hit the ground running once I graduate! There are few hurdles I still have to overcome though. This class if pretty expensive, and I'm a little financially strapped due to being in school and only being able to work part time, I'm having to sign up for all my state testing which is about $400 in testing fees, plus insurance, plus background check and fingerprints, of course my car just died last week and I am having to get a new one; anyone who has even been self employed, especially in massage therapy, knows that it will take a while to build up a clientele, so I might not be making much money at all my first few months out of school. Basically, typical life stuff.

I have had friends in the past who have had really good luck with GoFundMe, so I thought I would try it. I only need to raise about $800-900. The class is $795, which if I could just get that much that would be great! After that there is about $100 or more in supplies I will need to buy before I attend. I even posted reward levels similar to how KickStarter does it, because I want people to know I genuinely appreciate their support. From hand written thank you letters up to a free massage. But when I posted a fundraiser online and linked it on Facebook I got a lot of feedback about people who didn't want to support me through that website, or who were uncomfortable about how much information that website took, etc.

So I promptly took it down. At this point I honestly feel really strange and awkward about the whole thing. I feel bad asking for money. Like, I have that sinking feeling of "Why, God did I even post that? Why did I think it was a good idea? Can't I just take it back?" I feel pathetic and I feel really bad for posting it, I should have just kept my mouth shut and tried to figure out how to pay for it on my own. It's a humbling feeling, having to ask for help.

I was talking to a good friend Indi about it this evening. ( Check out her stuff! --> Indi's Business Facebook and her Webcomic: Dissolution. Indi is a huge inspiration to me because she took the leap I've been really afraid to take for a long time. She jumped in with both feet, quit her job, and started making a living as an artist by doing comic books and fan art. I really admire her for that and hope to do the same someday when Nick and I start our own business.)

Anyway, she mentioned that she remembered it feeling awkward and uncomfortable when she was running her KickStarter campaign to get her comic printed. The feeling I have now is definitely an icky feeling, but I also remember being able to back her project. I've backed several of my friend's projects and other projects on KickStarter over the last two or three years and it's a really wonderful feeling. I get so excited when I can donate money to someone to help them reach their goal and get their book published or their movie made or their board game manufactured. It's something I will continue to do as long as I can. Even if it's just a few dollars here and there, it really makes a difference for those people trying to achieve their dream. So Indi suggested I type up a blog post with my story so she could link it to some of her friends since some people might be willing to donate via PayPal or send a check in the mail. You never know until you ask. And everyone has to start somewhere, right?

So I have done just that. I still want to send people hand written thank you notes, drawings, and give free massages to people who donate to help me go to this class to show my appreciation. Obviously the massages are a little harder because I know people all over the country and all over the world, but the offer still stands. But I don't expect people to just give me money, I want to do something in return for them if I at all possible.

If you are interested in helping me get to this class so I continue to help make martial artists and non-martial artists alike feel relaxed and pain free for years to come, please let me know. I would be incredibly, genuinely, and sincerely thankful.

You can e-mail me at Tiffani.Sahara(a)gmail.com  or send a donation via paypal using that e-mail address. (Please note that my name is spelled with an "i" and not a "y" at the end, so if your phone/computer auto corrects the spelling and you don't change it back, it will go to the wrong place)

Thank you for reading and I'll be sure to post something more soon. I have had a few ideas for posts I've been wanting to get written up, I just haven't had time to do it yet. @.@

<3  - Tiff

Know Thyself. Also, progress!

I think it can be very important and eye opening for people to know their strengths, weaknesses, and personality types. Sometimes knowing a little bit about yourself can help you understand your behavior, find the best job suited for you, help you navigate difficult situations, understand and/or overcome your weaknesses, and more.

I have compiled some personality tests and strengths finders that I have found to be generally well accepted and accurate. Have fun, take them, see what you learn. I posted my results just for fun. You will have gotten to know Samurai Girl just a little bit better after this post. Lucky you. :þ

Myers Briggs or Myers Briggs Type Indicator (MBTI) - pretty much everyone has heard of the Myers Briggs personality test. There are 16 different personality types according to four different behavioral indicators. Extrovert vs. Introvert, Sensing vs. Intuitive, Feeling vs. Thinking, and Judging vs Perception. Based on a series of questions the test is designed to determine which side of the spectrum you are on the four dynamics and give you your type, which is usually abbreviated with one letter from each type. For example, I'm an INFJ, which stands for Introvert Intuitive Feeling Judgement. Typelogic.com and Wikipedia have good breakdowns of the types and their descriptions. You can take the Myers Briggs Personality Test here ALWAYS go with your first response/initial reaction when answering these types of yes-no or multiple choice questions.

My Results: INFJ is the rarest of types, usually accounted as being between 1–3% of the population.

INFJs are conscientious and value-driven. They seek meaning in relationships, ideas, and events, with an eye toward better understanding themselves and others. Using their intuitive skills, they develop a clear and confident vision, which they then set out to execute, aiming to better the lives of others. Like their INTJ counterparts, INFJs regard problems as opportunities to design and implement creative solutions.

INFJs have been mistaken for extroverts, as they tend to possess multiple personalities due to their complex inner life; however, they are true introverts. INFJs are private individuals who prefer to exercise their influence behind the scenes. Though they are very independent, INFJs are intensely interested in the well-being of others. INFJs prefer one-on-one relationships to large groups. Sensitive and complex, they are adept at understanding complicated issues and driven to resolve differences in a cooperative and creative manner.

INFJs have a rich, vivid inner life that they may be reluctant to share with those around them. Nevertheless, they are congenial in their interactions and perceptive of the emotions of others. Generally well liked by their peers, they may often be considered close friends and confidants by most other types; however, they are guarded in expressing their own feelings, especially to new people, and tend to establish close relationships slowly. INFJs tend to be easily hurt, though they may not reveal it (except to their closest companions). INFJs may "silently withdraw as a way of setting limits" rather than expressing their wounded feelings—a behavior that may leave others confused and upset.

INFJs tend to be sensitive, quiet leaders with a great depth of personality. They are intricately, deeply woven, mysterious, highly complex, and often puzzling, even to themselves. They have an orderly view toward the world but are internally arranged in a complex way that only they can understand. Abstract in communicating, they live in a world of hidden meanings and possibilities. With a natural affinity for art, INFJs tend to be creative and easily inspired, yet they may also do well in the sciences, aided by their intuition.

What I can learn from this: Not everyone feels things as intensely as I do, so I need to give myself a safe space and time to express and feel emotions accordingly. Large group settings are not where I am a viking, and that is ok; it also probably wouldn't hurt to express to people that I am an introvert and/or that I am uncomfortable and need a moment to get some air instead of just withdrawing quietly or disappearing. This can help avoid confusion and hurt feelings. I need creativity and meaning in my world to feel content and I need to be solving problems to feel successful.

As a side note I find it pretty interesting to note that some of my closest friends are INTJs or ENTJs. We're very close in some ideas and behaviors except for the emotional aspects. I'm the 'feeler' of my group as it were, which also makes it very easy for me to be guilt tripped and/or emotionally manipulated, which I need to watch out for. 

Gallup Strengths Finder  -  This test you do have to pay for, but I think to take the test it is probably $10. It is really good at assessing your strengths. This is meant more to help direct you in the work force to allow you to find a good job and a good position for you, but understanding your strengths and drives can also greatly help you understand your behaviors in your personal life as well. It can also show you your weaknesses and give you tips on areas of improvement or things to look for. There are 34 total strengths and taking the test will give you your top five. Here is the direct link to the gallup strengths finder quiz purchase page. 

My results were:
Input, Learner, Responsibility, Restorative, and Empathy. These roughly break down like the following

Input - loves collecting knowledge and information
Learner - loves to learn
Responsibility - has an inherent need to take responsibility and be responsible for my actions, etc.
Restorative - has an inherent need to fix things, especially my own mistakes. (I think this goes hand in hand with Responsibility. It makes sense I have both, really.)
Empathy - can intuitively understand the feelings and the needs of others and sympathize. 

Equilibria Personality Type -  I like this test a little more than the straight up single color personality profiles because it gives you a dual color result rather than just "blue" or "yellow". This test is free and can be taken on the Equilibria website.

My Results Were:

Blue/Red - The Doing Relater

I am an industrious person who focuses on goals and proceeds full speed ahead. I am willing to be supportive of others if it helps me achieve my objectives. I do have a genuine desire to complete tasks from start to finish, preferably by myself.

I am highly focused and sometimes forget to ask or seek other people's opinions. I have a tendency to say 'I' instead of 'we.’

I am competitive and find it difficult to delegate tasks and jobs.

My tendencies include:

• I dislike being told what to do or when or how to do something
• I am reluctant to change what I think or how I feel
• I will only delegate tasks when absolutely necessary
• I like to make sure that production is completed on schedule
• I depend a lot on plans for action and follow up routines
• I become tenacious and even more anxious when under pressure

My Potential Limiters:

With tasks: Because I am so focused, I could benefit by broadening my perspectives. I need to learn to be effective outside my comfort zone by considering different points of view and finding other ways to achieve my goals. All too often, I am in the 'either / or' mode in my decision making and need to practice flexibility.

With people: I must start to show confidence in others by delegating and giving people tasks that will be fulfilling for them. I can also benefit by creating more free time and space in my life, as well as generally appreciating and tolerating differences among people.

• I should ask others to share their ideas on how to accomplish tasks and how to satisfy their needs and expectations.
• I should be more genuinely open with others by revealing my feelings and addressing theirs.
• I should be less afraid to seek guidance or ask for help.

What I can learn:  I think that a lot of the quiz's recommendations for me to basically open up to people more stem from my introvertedness. After discussing my personality type with my mom, I discovered that I actually started life as an extrovert and through a lot of bullying and bad teacher experiences throughout the course of my childhood I withdrew, grew a shell, and turned into an introvert. It's interesting that my initial reactions to it being suggested is to scoff and think "But you don't know what people are really like!" Which means I probably do need to work on opening up a little more. It's not that I'm not genuine or sincere with people that I don't know well, it's just that I'm very guarded and initially distrustful. I need to be more soft when it comes to dealing with others.


Well, there you have it. I encourage you to take time for introspection and reflection.

As I've mentioned before I haven't been posting regularly because I've been having some difficulty with finding direction and motivation in life. Nick and I have had some pretty involved conversations lately regarding this and I feel like we've finally broken some ground. Understanding what it is that drives me, what I respond well to, and what I don't, has been instrumental in helping me get out of my slump.

Oklahoma has been a difficult learning experience for me, but I'm glad that I moved down. I've had some really good experiences and Nick has helped me through a lot. On the whole though I am really looking forward to moving forward in my life and tackling the next thing.

The move to back to Colorado will be a great reset. (For both Nick and I) I'm looking forward to going back to school. I've decided to become a Massage Therapist, which will allow me some freedom with my schedule once I am able to work on my own, and this can later be incorporated into Nick's martial arts school if desired. It's a quick 9 months and then I'll be done with school and into the work force.

There are several excellent martial arts schools (and people) to study with in Colorado, which both Nick and I are looking forward to.

Colorado is a healthier state and it will be much more enjoyable to be in the great outdoors, hiking and camping in the mountains, etc, instead of dealing with the extreme heat, humidity and allergies of Oklahoma.

To name just a few of the things we are looking forward to.

Hopefully I should be back into the swing of things fairly quickly and can get back to posting good Martial Arts, Health, Fitness, and Violence related posts again in the near future. Thanks for bearing with me, this last year has been especially difficult, but I feel like things are finally looking up and moving forward. I feel very positive and uplifted for the first time in a long time. Like a great weight has (finally) been lifted off my back.

Wishing you all the best,

Samurai Girl


P.S. if anyone has any particularly good suggestions for places to study at (or at least visit) in Colorado I would be happy to hear them. We are going to be in the Denver area. Currently on our list is Nippon Kan Aikido (also Domo), I think Nick is going to at least check out Bob Orlando's school in Lakewood, and hopefully we can also get down to visit Marc MacYoung's school in Castle Rock before too long as well. Other suggestions are welcome in the comments below. 

Long absence and life direction frustrations

Hi everyone...

I know its been forever since I posted... I've had a lot of junk going on lately in my life and I feel like I've been losing and re-orienting my direction in life a lot over the last year.

To understand where I am there are just a few things you probably need to know that will help everything make sense. I have a lot of student loan debt and a degree that I don't like. Well... I take part of that back. I do have a tremendous amount of student loan debt. Around 120k. And I have a BFA in Graphic Design and Interactive Media. Which is cool... except I don't want to work in that industry. I LOVE doing art... and I'm fairly good at it, but I like doing it on MY terms. I don't like clients dictating how the design needs to look, and I certainly don't want to work in advertising and convince people to buy things they don't need with money they don't have. I've probably mentioned all of this somewhere before in previous posts, so if I am repeating myself, I apologize.

What I have been struggling with over the last year or so is what to do next. Where do I go from here? I have been working several different very low end jobs to try to pay down my student loan debt, but I am not even close to making ends meat. Art is NOT a good profession to have in this kind of industry, and it is difficult to get other well paying work with an Art degree. Last year I made $8,000. My student loan payments are $1100 a month. You can do the math.

So I figured I probably ought to get back to school and get myself a degree that pays better and is in an industry I enjoy more. Because if you do what you love you'll never actually work a day in your life. I just... have no idea what I WANT to do. I keep feeling stuck.

For a while I thought personal trainer. Then I wasn't so sure about that. I am MovNat certified, but in Oklahoma, that is worth SHIT because it seems like everyone here is overweight and no one cares about their health enough to do anything about it. I have offered several seminars and I have never had one person call or show up. So that went out the window.

Then I got a job in a administrative type setting. I was working as a Customer Service Rep for a while. Which is a fancy way of saying secretary. But all three jobs I worked as a CSR over the last year were HORRIBLE and ended badly. Terrible bosses seem to be everywhere these days and it seems like people are being abused and mistreated in all levels of businesses these days. So... even though I've been trying to keep a steady job to work on paying my loans down, I seem to keep winding up places where the working conditions and the management are so bad I end up quitting because I refuse to put up with the terrible working conditions.

So I did some research and talked to a few people and decided maybe PTA would be a good fit. It's just an associates degree, they make decent starting pay, around 35k to 40k in Colorado, (which I am planning on moving back [home] soon.) So that would be good. So I took a few classes to see if I like the material and looked into prospective colleges and got my shadowing in line and everything. I took a Kinesiology class, which I absolutely love. I was thinking PTA would get to do a lot of things similar to the material we were covering in class, but incidentally, they don't get to do any of it.

So... now what?!

I keep thinking and thinking "what do I want to do with my life" and I keep coming back to running a school with Nick. That is what I want to do. So... instead of trying to find something to do to make money doing so I can do what I want, I need to figure out how to make Nick's school successful so I don't have to have a day job. I want my job to be the work that I love.

Nick and I have talked a lot about diversifying the school a little bit so that we can make the best use of the space. We would like to offer fairly comprehensive services to our students. We don't want our dojo to be open only a few hours a week in the evenings. Ultimately I think we want to offer self defense classes in the form of Applied Karate and Aikijutsu. We want to encourage our students to read works by Wilder, Miller, MacYoung, and others. We want to offer personal training and encourage good health and fitness practices in our students. (I will be honest, it is a huge pet peeve of mine to see Black Belts who are seriously overweight...) We want to offer nutrition classes on occasion and nutrition coaching if students want it. I think this would be great to have these resources available to students all in one place. I feel like so many schools never go into anything other than, let's kick and punch and go to tournament. People come to study martial arts for a variety of reasons, so why not try to help aid and encourage the diversity of those reasons and give students the resources they might want or need right there at the school?

I have read some stories of schools trying to diversify and that didn't work out for them AT ALL. One story was of a school that had a tea room and a pro shop attached and was about to go under till they got rid of both of those and made them classroom spaces and now the school does incredibly well. On the flip side there is a Krav Maga school in Denver that has two classrooms and a work out space and they do very well.  This is more along the lines of what I am wanting.

Meanwhile, back at the ranch... while I have been trying to figure out 'what to do till we get the school going' and working, it just keeps taking more and more and more time away from me doing what I really love and what I really want to do: MARTIAL ARTS. Because school class times conflicted with dojo class times, (and I desperately wanted to take the Kinesiology class, which I am very glad I did) I haven't been able to attend any Martial Arts classes since December. And I won't be able to go back to classes till May. ARGH! It's killing me! I HATE not going to class. It's such a huge set back.

So what is the point of having a day job that I'm not making any money at any way, and that keeps me from getting closer to doing what I want to do? It all seems so backwards and frustrating. So I feel like I need to re-organize and re-prioritize my goals.

I DO want to go back to school, but I want to go back for a degree that is going to be the most useful to running a martial arts school and fitness facility. Through shadowing and taking a few classes this semester I think the things I want to do in addition to helping Nick manage the school and occasionally teach classes would be more on the fitness side and the mobility assessments and range of motion tests and such. There are a few different degrees that I am looking at, which would be a B.S. with a major in Athletic Training (which would be a lot of injury assessment and detailed bone and muscle knowledge), or a B.S. with a major in Health and Human Performance with a minor in Nutrition. (Which is exercise science and coaching and nutrition) either degree would be completed with intent to go on and eventually look at getting a Masters in Kinesiology.



The really frustrating part is that because I left Colorado, I no longer have residency there, and since that is where I will be returning to, I will be going to school there, and I don't think I can afford out of state tuition. ARGH. I feel like for every one step I take forward it is two steps back. >.< It's so frustrating. I just feel very stressed out about the whole thing. I know what I want... (I think...) I'm just not sure how I'm going to make it happen just yet...

Grr.

Nutrition Challenge

To give a bit of background, Sensei Nick and I have recently been working on several changes, including reworking the rank sheets for the Aikijutsu classes at his school. We are really happy with the results, but I will post about that later. We have also joined a CrossFit gym and we are loving it. I have to say that I really enjoy the CrossFit philosophy and work outs a great deal more then a typical gym workout. I have started referring to my crossfit work outs as "Ninja Training". It's good stuff.

You can find information about CrossFit on the CrossFit Home Page or check out the CrossFit Games, which is a competition whose aim is to find the most fit person on earth.

Starting in April I will be doing a nutrition challenge with my gym. I will be documenting everything and posting my experience along the way. I'm going to be trying out the Paleo Diet, which essentially encourages us to eat like Cave Men. Essentially, if you can hunt it or pick it you can eat it. I highly encourage you to look at the website and look at the research that has been done on this subject. It's pretty interesting compared to a lot of other diet and life style type eating habits I have looked into. Secondly, sometimes you need a nutritional supplement. I have always been on the hunt for good supplements, post work out sources, and such. I like to know what I am putting into my body is good. I recently learned about AdvoCare and I'll be test driving their products during my nutrition challenge. So I can let people know if they work as well as they claim. They do have a pretty good rep as they have an entire scientific and medical board behind them. I'm looking forward to seeing how the nutrition challenge turns out.

I am so ready to continue on my path to 'ninjaness' as it were. I want to be in great shape, I want to eat well, and I want to be healthy.

I have my 'weigh in' on Saturday where I will have my body fat % calculated. The goal is not to lose weight, it is to lose fat and build muscle, so I feel pretty good taking part in the challenge. I get sickened by the dual nature of our culture. The obesity rate is sky rocketing, but at the same time the desire to be skinny and look good drives millions of young people, boys and girls, toward unhealthy dieting and eating disorders. Fit is healthy and sexy, skinny is not. Meat is for the man, Bones are for the dogs. It's a difficult paradigm to overcome and a hard thing to find a balance.

My mother struggled with an eating disorder almost her whole life. I have seen how devastating it can be and how incredibly difficult it can be to overcome. (But, I have to say, my mom has been E.D. free for a few years now and she is looking much better. I'm so proud of her, I know how hard it's been and how much of a struggle it was, but if anyone out there is reading this and struggles with an eating disorder, you are not alone and there is help. You are stronger then you believe you are and you can overcome anything!)

I think that is what drives me so strongly towards becoming a personal trainer and martial arts instructor. I want to help people in the way my trainer and my instructors have helped me. I want to give people the gift of health, confidence and happiness. To help them feel good about themselves, to be genuinely happy with what they see in the mirror every day, to be confident in what they can do, and to achieve a healthy lifestyle. That is my hope and wish. I am working towards making all this happen, getting in super great shape, working hard on obtaining my black belts in Aikijutsu and Karate, and learning what I can about nutrition and supplements. I will make it happen!

More to come. Thank you sincerely for reading. :)

Breath of Fresh Air - Update

Long time no post.

I needed to take some time off. I have not felt very motivated to post or to read blogs for a few reasons. There has been a bit of a down period at the school and in my training, due to some health issues. I get tired of tedious arguments. Everything just felt like it was stagnating a bit and the same old things kept recurring. I haven't felt as though I have had anything pertinent to post about, and mainly I don't want to force it.

I think writing is best when you are writing about something you care about and have a vested interest in. To me, this blog should be something enjoyable, something I like doing and I look forward to and get excited about, and I wasn't feeling it. After my break, a breath of fresh air I am feeling good and ready to post and take up reading the blogs I follow regularly again.

I have been seeing a Chiropractor who specializes in Chiropractic and Acupuncture, eating better, going to a gym, and overall getting things back in order. I have to say, if your spine is messed up, your whole body is messed up. No joke. Things are back on track and moving in the right direction again. Good stuff. More to come.

Its okay to ask for help

This post has nothing to do with Martial Arts.

First and foremost, I want to say that sometimes emotions don't make a lot of sense. They don't always have to. Of course there is usually a reason. I feel _____ because _____. Even so, my mom always told me, emotions are not right or wrong, they just are, you don't have to justify them, its ok to be happy or sad. I largely agree with her. I have had many counselors who have said the same thing.

Second, I want to say that depression in particular doesn't always make a lot of sense. Sometimes you just feel really sad and you don't know why. This is miserable. You feel helpless and sad and overwhelmed. Sometimes you feel guilty for being sad because you think you have nothing to feel sad about. You feel frustrated because of your lack of productivity. You may actually be being productive, but you can't see because you have these lame ass blinders on. You try to focus, you try to be positive and happy. You can't shake it.

Sometimes depression comes with feelings of total worthlessness and self hatred. Its not really logical or justifiable. You just feel like the world would be better off without you. You don't want to talk to anyone because you don't want to 'bother' them or 'burden them with your troubles'. Your friends are all happy people, you don't want to bring them down with you, no reason for them to suffer too...

All this going on in your head. "I hate myself, I have accomplished nothing, I am so worthless, I have done nothing with the last hour, day, week, month, year, etc. Everyone would just be better off if I wasn't around." etc etc etc

Sometimes you snap out of it, sometimes you don't.

These may sound really silly, to some of you out there, but I can assure sometimes the dark pit of hopelessness is very real and very consuming. While sometimes un-explainable these feelings are very crippling and can feel incredibly overwhelming.


The good news?

It is OK to ask for help! Talk to a trusted friend or parent, seek counseling, let someone know how you are feeling and they can help you or help you try to find the help you need. No matter how bleak it seems, you will be ok, things will get better. Sometimes, you just need someone to talk to, and sometimes just talking helps. If you can talk it out and get things off your chest, you'll be amazed how much better you feel after.

The point is, don't feel bad, embarrassed or ashamed. Everyone needs help sometimes. It is ok to ask. If you're feeling depressed, please talk to someone.

Internship Expectations

As mentioned before, I will be working as something of an Intern for the dojo that Sensei Nick teaches Aiki out of. Tomorrow I will head in for a Cardio workout in the morning followed by some time with the instructor to go over some of the first TaeKwonDo kata.

Which reminds me I need to practice my own kata...
(WHICH I actually did some of today, just not all of them yet)

Here are the things that I am hoping to get out of my "internship":

• Learning to recognize learning styles
• Learning to communicate with different learning styles effectively
• Learning drills and fun activities/work outs/exercises to do with kids classes
• Learning good exercises and fun work outs and drills for adult classes
• Learning what to do or how to deal with kids (and adults) who misbehave, don't focus, are a distraction, or in general disruptive to the class
• Being able to teach
• Being able to help someone understand something for the first time or improve on their technique
• Being able to learn from my students

I'm sure there are more, but that is all my tired brain can think of right now. I will post more as I think of them and write how my internship goes as I am able to spend time in the dojo. Due to finally acquiring a job this may be a little more difficult and sporadic then I would like, but I will make it happen.

Night everyone.

Where does the time go?

So. Been a while. I have too much going on.

Sensei Nick is left the country today. It'll be down to just me and Musashi in the house. : /

I start my new job on Monday. I got some seasonal work to help pay the bills. Graphic Design freelance work is rather patchy lately...

I need to stay focused. I have a lot to do. Its really hard not to lose motivation when Sensei Nick is out of the country, but I need to make sure I stay motivated and on task because I really want to achieve my goal of being a Martial Arts Instructor someday. I feel like I never have enough time to work on stuff. And that kills me because the sad thing is, I don't watch T.V., I don't play video games very often (maybe once or twice a month at this point), I don't go clubbing or hanging out with friends very often, etc. Where the hell does all my time go???

Obviously, helping run a house, it goes to helping Sensei Nick with paperwork and errands, cooking, helping out with family needs like taking the kids to school, picking them up, etc. But still, I must say I am feeling very discouraged this afternoon.

Anyway, Here are some of the projects I currently have going on.

• Website stuff: 
• Updating the GMA website and making tweaks as necessary: Our updated information!
• Getting my own personal domain issues sorted out so I can get TiffaniSahara.com back up and running as well as TiffaniSaharaCreative. Effectively the same website, just different names. 
• The larger project here is really that I need to learn wordpress. T.T
• Working on PowerLineDesigns and Graphic Design
• coming up with new designs and ideas for merchandise on cafepress, zazzle, imagekind, etc. for Power Line Designs
• Design and make a new flyer for Main Street Martial Arts
• Design an identity and related materials for a potential project
• Continuing to fix up the house (lofty goals, but still, I like to aim high):
• Have most of, if not the entire, interior of the house painted by the time Sensei Nick gets back.
• Replace all interior doors and molding
• Martial Arts (last but not least)
• Do all my kata every day
• Reread and review "Way of Kata"
• Finish and review "How to Win a Fight"
• Watch the Bunkai DVDs regarding the Heian/Pinan kata by Abernethy.
• Continue to attend Aiki class twice a week
• Work out with and learn from instructor who runs the dojo that Nick is currently teaching out of after hours. 
• This will more or less function like an internship. While I am not intent on pursuing any ranks TaeKwonDo, the owner runs the entire school by herself and is need of a little bit of help. She is the only instructor and since Sensei Nick doesn't have an official school as such at the moment and I am in desperate need of teaching experience and more time in a dojo environment in general we talked to her about setting something up. She agreed to let me come in and shadow her for a few weeks and help her teach once I get some of the kata down and learn the ropes. It'll be a really sweet deal as long as my newly found seasonal work doesn't make that impossible. Which I will say I am very nervous about as I already told them I cannot work Monday or Tuesday evenings (as that is Aiki night) and they have already scheduled me for Monday close next week. :( 
• Homework from Sensei Nick (In addition to watching Abernethy's Bunkai DVDs and Reading "Way of Kata" and "How to Win a Fight" and "Teaching the Martial Arts" if I have time, write out several fight scenes. Starting small, with just a few exchanges here and there, and going up. What do I think two guys with no training would look like fighting each other on the street. How about a beginner rank and a guy with no training, intermediate? advanced? Two advanced fighters? etc. Which means I also probably need to get and read Miller's "Violence, a Writer's Guide." *sigh 

Anyway, overall I think I just need to try to stay very focused and motivated. I WANT my kata to look better by the time Sensei Nick comes back. I WANT to be in better shape by the time Sensei Nick comes back. I want to earn my next ranks and display proficiency, skill, and understanding that any Sensei would be proud of.

Before he left Sensei Nick and I briefly discussed my current ranks. In Aikijutsu I am white belt with two stripes, effectively the equivalent of an orange belt as Nick's school only has two stripes till green belt. I am also an orange belt in Shotokan Karate. And soon to be learning TaeKwonDo. (I know, information overload right? Probably no the best way to study, but I need the teaching experience so I will take what I can get) I feel like every time I study Martial Arts I get RIGHT TO THIS POINT, and then either have to quit or start over. I have never been any higher than an orange belt. And I have been an orange belt many times. I am SICK OF IT. This is incredibly frustrating and upsetting to me. Granted, I know it isn't necessarily the color of the belt that denotes your skill/understanding/proficiency, etc. Nick and I have discussed several times that rank is only applicable from the school you received it from. A black belt from one school may not meet the same requirements or skill levels as a black belt from another school. In a way, its all very subjective. Either way, I WANT TO GET PAST THE BEGINNER RANKS! (And yes, I know, once you get your shodan it just means you have all the basics and you can really start learning, but you know what I mean, white through orange is generally considered beginner, then the next couple are intermediate and then brown is advanced, etc etc) I guess I want it as... as sort of a mile marker or something... something that means, YES, I am making progress, I am sticking with it, I do some understanding of what I am doing, etc.

I WANT to study and learn and be good. I want it desperately, but every time I get started down the Martial Path life comes along and throws a wrench in my spoke. Well, life, I've got news for you, NOT THIS TIME!

I don't want to say that I want a black belt, because I understand that the belt is not the goal, more so now than ever before, but I want to be skilled and proficient in Martial Arts. Particularly Aikijutsu and also Karate. I want it so bad I can almost taste it, I just have to make sure I stay focused and on task so that I can accomplish my goals. 

T.T I'm wearing myself out just thinking about all this stuff. More posts to come soon. 

~Samurai Girl Sahara

5 Elements merchandise

Since I mentioned on my sketch blog, I thought I would post it here as well:

I just finished putting together some things for Sensei Nick's Cafepress store: Power Line Designs. We now have a section set up for merchandise based (loosely) on Miyamoto Musashi's Book of Five Rings. There are t-shirts, mugs, clocks, pillows, posters, and pretty much anything you could possibly want up for grabs. If you have a moment, check it out.

Musashi's 5 Elements

You can also find all of the stuff from Guinn Martial Arts online as well: GMA Store.


I will be posting my review of the Abernethy seminar soon as well as a review of "How to Win a Fight" by Kane and Wilder. I'm excited to post these, its just hard to find time to sit down and write.

I am working hard with Sensei Nick on learning Kata and working towards being able to help teach in his school. I have been able to lead warm ups and offer a few pointers to my partners here and there in Aiki classes. After the seminar this weekend I was adamant about learning Tekki Shodan, so I am currently working on the kata out of order. @.@ Oops.

So far I am still a white belt in Shotokan Karate Hachikyu, as there are only 7 belts to black belt in Nick's school, but the material is very in depth and covers the same amount of material with fewer tests. Nick and I are of the opinion that more belts is generally a commercial idea and since we don't charge for tests anyway, you may as well rank from one belt to the next without all the little half way tests in between. Its a long story and probably another post in and of itself entirely; but I know Heian Nidan pretty well as well as more or less all of the Bunkai for the kata. I am working on Heian Shodan, making it look nice and making sure I have all the Bunkai, etc. Tekki Shodan, which came very naturally to me and is my favorite of all the kata I have seen so far. I am looking forward to learning Heian Sandan, Yodan and Godan, but I think Tekki Shodan will always have a special place in my heart.

I am a white belt with two stripes (going for green belt next) Hachikyu in Aikijutsu and working towards my Nanakyu. Which is nice since I started out at Juukyu. As far as Aiki Kata goes I know Walking Kata 1, 2 and 3.

So much to learn... @.@

Musashi Inu!

Since Sensei Nick has been back in the country we have been working on Aikijutsu and Shotokan Karate. It has been wonderful to have my Sensei here to answer all my martial arts questions. We have been working specifically on refining the techniques in and learning the applications (or Bunkai) of the Heian Nidan kata. We have been working loosly and across the board with Aikijutsu techniques and kata, as well as sword play, among other things. Life is awesome.

However, Sensei Nick will have to leave the country again in another few weeks. Since I am watching the house and helping with the school while Sensei Nick is out of the country, we decided it might be a good idea to have a dog around. Both for protection and companionship. 

Yesterday, we adopted a 9 and 1/2 week old Great Dane puppy. I named him Musashi. After Miyamoto Musashi. 

--> Wikipedia says this about Miyamoto Musashi:  a Japanese swordsman and rōnin. Musashi, as he was often simply known, became renowned through stories of his excellent swordsmanship in numerous duels, even from a very young age. He was the founder of the Hyōhō Niten Ichi-ryū or Niten-ryū style of swordsmanship and the author of The Book of Five Rings (五輪書 Go Rin No Sho^?), a book on strategy, tactics, and philosophy that is still studied today. Miyamoto Musashi is widely considered as a Kensei, and one of the greatest warriors of all time.

So that gives you some idea.

Anyway, the reason I wanted to post about getting a dog is because I am excited for the learning experience this is going to provide. The main reason I am here with Sensei Nick to learn Martial Arts, to learn Practical Self Defense (As I do not believe these two are always necessarily the same thing) and to learn to teach both of those things.

I am really looking forward to working with Musashi and teaching him. I also expect him to teach me as much as I teach him. I know there will be times when he really tests me, but I consider this a lesson/exercise in being patient, being calm, being assertive and in control at all times, and working with people (or in this case an animal) that has a very different learning style and/or needs than my own. I want to use Musashi to better help me observe and pick up on behavior patterns. Dogs cannot tell you what they need. (Sure they can whine and scratch at the door or their food bowl, but they are not capable of communicating to us if they are ill, hungry, thirsty, have to go out, etc. if we do not pay attention to them.) Sometimes, I think students have trouble with this as well. Whether because they are shy or simply don't have the right words or knowledge to articulate themselves, sometimes we (students) just don't know how to communicate what we want or need to our instructors. Sometimes we don't even know what we need. But by learning to watch and observe behavior, movement, etc. I think it will help get me in the habit of looking for those kinds of things by the time I am ready to start teaching.

In addition, dogs need structure and schedule. Musashi will have to be walked between an hour to an hour and a half EVERY DAY. This will be great exercise for me, and also give me time to think. I think it will help regulate my schedule a bit, and overall be good for my health. 

Now, please don't get me wrong. I am incredibly excited to have Musashi and I already love him very much. I am determined to take EXCEPTIONAL care of him. We did not get Musashi to be used as a tool or turned into a learning experiment. But I believe every situation in life presents an opportunity to be learned from and getting a puppy is no different.

We should always be seeking ways to deepen our understanding of the world around us and to grow and better ourselves as people. No matter what the situation or circumstance, we should always strive to treat each other with honesty, sincerity and kindness. This I believe with all my heart. 

Have a great week all. 

~ Samurai Girl Sahara

This is a picture of Musashi on the day we got him. He was 10 weeks old. D'awwww!

A picture Musashi as of April 2013. He is 21 months old. Just over a year and a half.

Martial Training Conundrum

*This post is may be considered offense to some people. I am merely thinking out loud and trying to work through and understand some aspects of society and culture as opposed to martial training.*

I have lived in a few different parts of the country and traveled to lots of them. I haven't yet had a chance to explore other countries but I am working towards this goal. One thing I can be certain of is that culture is very different from place to place, even within the United States.

Miller said in the seminar that violence happens in specific places, one of which being a place where we don't understand the rules or the culture. Now, this wasn't necessarily a violent encounter, but it is something that happened in a place I was not familiar with. What I am having trouble understanding is if the rules were different here, or if it is just because there is an epidemic of rudeness in our country right now.

(I know people like Charles James mention rudeness and the power of words and Rory Miller have mentioned things like cultural differences, in their blogs.)

Anyway, so the situation is this. My mom and I stop at a Jack in the Box off the interstate to grab a bite to eat. Its near the highway and the closest thing around and we are starving. So we pull off and head in, because we're tired of being in the car. The place is mostly empty. There is one person ahead of us in line. So we order and sit down to wait for our number to be called.

Then the lunch rush hits, or something, because all of a sudden the place is packed. The lobby is very small and there aren't enough tables. People are giving mom and I some strange and dirty looks. We're not sure why. We're sitting quietly, minding our own business. We are clearly waiting on our food and everyone else is in line, no one is sitting down yet. Eventually it becomes so uncomfortable mom and I consider just taking our food and go eat in the car when they call our number. I decide to run the restroom so we can be ready to leave if that's what mom wants to do.

It figures, the second I run to the bathroom, they call our number. Mom doesn't want to leave her purse at the table, so she takes it with her to get our food. She comes back and some guy and some of his group sitting at our table. He's with a large group and they have several kids with them.

Mom said, "Oh... my daughter and I were just getting our food, thanks for taking our seats..." Or something like that. Either way, she wasn't rude. My mom isn't the type who is rude or aggressive up front. She might get upset and rant about it later but she tries pretty hard to be kind to people. The guy looks at my mom, right in front of all the kids and everyone in the restaurant and says loudly, "YOU'RE FUCKING WELCOME."

This, in my opinion, is totally unacceptable. If I hadn't been in the bathroom, I would have said something. I came out and mom was standing by the trash can trying to hold the tray and her drink and purse and all that. So we took our food and left, she didn't tell me till we got in the car what happened.

Now... here is the conundrum. I wanted very badly to go back in there and kick that guys ass. Obviously I don't have the skills to do it yet but I really wanted to anyway. It's not ok to talk to anyone like that. Especially someone's mom. However, as Martial Artists just, because we can kick someone's ass doesn't mean we should, even if they deserve it, right? (I know that at this point Charles James will link me some things on the Gentle Art of Verbal Self Defense.)

I expect most people to say, "Of course, just because you can doesn't mean you should." I want to know: why not? Why is it not ok to use your skills to stand up for yourself??? Granted, all this guy did was snap at my mom, which doesn't necessarily warrant a punch in the face. But let's consider some other scenarios:

Why is it as Martial Artists we train and train, but we're not allowed to use our abilities unless it is a life or death struggle? This is honestly something I have always struggled with. Maybe I will be more at peace with this as I progress in my studies, but I do not understand why it is not ok to put people in their place if they deserve it. If someone tries to mug me, why can't I break his kneecaps to discourage him from doing it to anyone else? If someone is a bully, why do they just get to get away with it? If someone tries to rape me, why am I expected to run away and let the law deal with it? If he has a good attorney, he'll just get off with a slap on the wrist and will probably do it to someone else.

Yes, I understand the only fight you are guaranteed to win is the one you never have, and how do you really distinguish between when someone deserves a punch in the nose or not, how do you keep yourself from becoming the bully, etc etc etc. I know all this sounds ridiculous coming from me, who has not much experience with violence. I'm sure people like Miller and MacYoung and Wilder will tell me they really hope I never get into a fight, because they are not fun, they are messy, brutal, awful affairs.

I'm sure its safer for people in the long run if we don't have violence running rampant through our streets. (Except, the other day in Joplin, I saw two guys get out of their car at a stoplight and proceed to have a fist fight right in the middle of the street... so... on some level whether we like it or not, violence is going to happen anyway)

But I still just don't get why it isn't ok? If I were better with my skills, why couldn't I have used Aiki to make this jerk stand up and move so mom could have her seat back? Why does that make me the bad guy? (At least in the eyes of the justice system)

Maybe people would be a little more polite and respectful to each other if they didn't think they could get away with being a complete ass hole to everyone all the time? "If I say something incredibly rude to him, or behave in this inappropriate manner, he/she could haul off and knock my teeth out. Hmm... maybe I better not say/do that..."

Does this make any sense to anyone else? Am I alone in thinking that maybe Hammurabi's code "an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth" wasn't such a bad idea? (Some of his other laws were pretty harsh, and most of them involved putting someone to death, but this one seems to make sense to me. You reap what you sow. Karma and all that.) I don't believe Martial Artists should go around looking for fights. I do not approve of this behavior at all. But if someone starts it, if they make the first move, why can't we finish it?

Why do we have to just stand by and allow people to treat each other like dirt or hurt each other and get away with it? This doesn't seem right to me. I don't care if it's not my business or not, if you are hitting your girlfriend in public while I am watching, or screaming at the cashier while I am in line behind you, or  stealing from someone while I am a in the same parking lot, then it is my business and it is my human/moral/ethical obligation to help. For me, in most cases, that would probably mean calling the police. If some guy is beating his girlfriend at the park, or I see someone down an alley way attacking/mugging/raping someone else I am not going to walk by and pretend I didn't see it, I will call the police. I would want someone to do the same for me. If some dude is screaming at a cashier, I would say something. I have worked retail. We're people too and you do not have the right to treat us like trash because you are having a bad day. Not enough people stand up for each other in those kinds of situations, and it sickens me that someone can come into a place of business, scream and throw a fit, and be rewarded for their behavior with apologies and coupons from managers.

This whole dynamic is just so confusing to me. You train and train with the understanding and the expectation that you will never have to use your skills. I really would like to think there is more to it than just my monkey brain seeking to do the monkey dance. This isn't about having something to prove. This is about human decency. When you were little and you misbehaved, you were reprimanded, right? I got spanked, or had my mouth washed out with soap, or sent to time out, or stood in the corner, or grounded, etc. The punishment always fit the crime, but I always knew there was a certain way to behave and that it was not ok to treat people a certain way. So why is it when we grow up, we're suddenly exempt from punishment and repercussions from our actions? Why is anyone who tries to curb or adjust your snobby attitude considered the bad guy? (again, I am speaking from what I expect the legal stand point would be. I'm guess if you go to court and say, "Well, Judge. I just don't believe in bullying. Someone had to put a stop to it, so I punched him in the face." You'll be the one who winds up with a fine or in jail.)

This is such a complex topic and there is a lot more that I could say/ask. But I think this post is long enough and I am talking myself in circles at this point.

I am open to hearing thoughts and opinions from others on the subject, especially anyone with martial arts experience and/or experience with violence. Dialogue is encouraged, I really want to know what other people think, but I do not want to start an argument, so if you comment, do not attack anyone's thoughts or beliefs or comments, I will remove your comment. What I have written are mostly my thoughts, considerations and questions on a very broad subject that is very gray in terms of right and wrong. I do not claim to be right or wrong, nor to have any of the answers. I am merely seeking understanding.

The other stuff I do...

And now for something completely different! (again!)

As you all know, I LOVE martial arts, working out, and being healthy. But I also like to draw, write, read, and study languages. 

I have finally got my sketchblog up and running. Hopefully I'll be able to update regularly. If anyone is interested, feel free to have a look! MY AWESOME SKETCHBLOG!  I'm just getting it up and running now, but as I said, more things to come in the future. Stay tuned for more sketches, drawings, poems, stories and things artistic. 

^.~ 

Finding your passion

I have always been drawn to Martial Arts from the time I was very little. I asked my parents to put me in Karate when I was in elementary school. I made it to yellow belt, but then due to some bad business practices the school was closed down. We didn't really have the money to transfer me somewhere else, so I had to quit until I was old enough to get a job and pay for my own training. I trained with Nick Guinn at Guinn Martial Arts while I was in high school, and I enjoyed his class immensely. At the time, I had no idea how lucky I was to be studying with him. Since high school I have studied at a few different dojos and under different instructors. It was never the same. I know all places are different, but I always had the feeling there was something fundamental missing from the instruction.

Once I graduated college I really wanted to get back to Martial Arts seriously, not just take a class here or there for a few weeks at a time. Since I was no longer in the same state as Guinn Martial Arts, I couldn't go back to that, and I hadn't been happy with the dojos I had selected thus far. (Don't get me wrong, Nippon-kan was actually really cool and very very traditional, which I LOVED, but I think I struggled to fit into an Aikido environment after having studied Aikijutsu the way I did in high school.) So, I turned to the one person I knew who actually knew what they were talking about and who I also trusted: Mr. Guinn. He gave me some excellent advice on selecting a school, (which, now that I think about it, I may write up in another post), and some style suggestions, etc. (If you're interested, you can find his blog here)

We'd been in touch off and on over the years, but started talking regularly... 8 months ago or more. In addition to advice for picking a school, he offered some good book titles if I was interested. I started reading and I was hooked. Not that I wasn't before, but it really added fuel to the fire.

I have had doubts about my choice of profession for a while now. Its not that I don't LIKE Graphic Design, but it doesn't make me want to jump out bed in the morning either. Since I started working out with a personal trainer in January, I have been strongly considering trying to take evening classes and get a certification to do that.

Through some very lucky timing of events, namely my brother's college orientation which I tagged along for, I was able to spend last weekend training with Nick back in Oklahoma. We're not talking like, an hour or two, or just a private lesson. It was 20+ hours of sparring, training, exercises, note taking, and really good discussions over the course of part of a Friday, a Saturday, and part of a Sunday.

It was... AMAZING.

If ever there was one in my life, I feel like I have found my calling. This is my passion. My bliss. I feel like I've always wanted to help others, and I have a ton of energy, and this is how I can wrap everything I love together. I can now say with a degree of certainty that I want to make a life out of martial arts and fitness. I have always returned to Martial Arts as often as possible throughout my life, I just never considered the fact that I could actually make a living out of it. Now, thats all I want to figure out how to do.

I cannot even put into words how excited I get when I get to learn something new, or its time to head to the dojo, or I go to the park to practice on my own. I want to share my passion with anyone and everyone! I want to help people feel good about themselves, I want to help them gain confidence, I want to help them learn to defend themselves and their loved ones, I want to help them get in shape, etc. I want to make a life out of being active, excited, getting other excited, teaching, learning, all of it!

People settle for what is safe, what is familiar or what is comfortable, safe, even if they are unhappy. The thought of that scares the shit out of me. I don't want to look around in 10 years, or 20 years and think "Where the hell has my life gone? What have I accomplished? Why am I unhappy?" Even if I am poor and living in a tiny studio apartment somewhere with only three sets of clothes and my martial arts Gi, I'd pick that over settling for the mundane and misery, any day.

At my college graduation the president of our school said, quoting from some author (I can't remember his name) "Follow your Bliss." That has stuck with me. The author was saying As long as you follow your bliss you will be happy and successful, because you're the only one who measures your success. And if you are happy and positive, the trend sticks and doors will open for you. So even if its difficult at first, or even the whole time, I'm pretty sure this is the life I want to choose.

I have no idea where to start, or how I'm going to make it happen, but I will find a way.

Since you have to at least have SOME *coughBLACKBELTcough* experience in the martial arts before you can teach, I think I will work towards things like getting certified to be a personal trainer, learning about anatomy, kinesiology, nutrition, leadership skills, etc while I am working towards becoming proficient enough in the Martial Arts to be able to teach.

That way, not only will I have a good grasp on whatever martial art I am teaching, but I will be able to understand how the human body works and supply my students with vital health/fitness and nutrition information as well. I don't see a lot of dojos working to supply their kind of students with that sort of information. It seems like martial arts is something you do in the dojo and forget about when you leave, you go home, eat pizza, drink some beer, kick back and play video games. And there is nothing wrong with that, but its not my life style. I want to be the very best martial artist that I can be. And I want my students to be the best that they can and want to be. So any way that I can help them with that is good news for me.

Its a start. Right now its more a dream than anything. But I will make it happen.

As it says on Mr. Miller's blog:  "THE DREAM IS DAMNED AND DREAMER TOO IF DREAMING'S ALL THAT DREAMERS DO."


Get out there and find your bliss people. Make it yours. Do what you love. Don't settle. 


~ a very ecstatic Samurai Girl Sahara 

Belt Tying Tutorial

Just for Fun!!!

Aside from having a serious passion for Martial Arts, my day job is a Graphic Designer. I LOVE the arts and being creative, reading, writing, drawing, etc. Even more, I like combining my passions whenever possible. This summer I am taking a web design class so that I can learn to be able to code what I design. Right now we're just making small projects to get the hang of using code. I did a tutorial on How to Tie Your Belt. I still have a few tweaks I want to make, but you more or less get the idea.

Just wanted to share. +^.^+

Follow your bliss everyone!

My First Tournament Experience

Oh tournament. The event was more or less like I expected, however the experience was not.

My day, started pretty well. I was actually excited to go, even though I had been secretly dreading it all week.

My first event was sparring. Sparring. Dead last place. Yep. There is no good way to put it. I choked. Not in the sense that I didn't do my best, but in the sense that I let the situation overwhelm me and I held back. Having never been to a tournament before, and having no idea what to do, and being up to spar first, I listened to the judge. He said to just relax and take it easy, he just wanted to see what we knew, little to light contact, he didn't want to see anything overly aggressive at all. Well.... I'm a very aggressive fighter. After that I was completely freaked out and worried that I was going to get in trouble for excessive contact or being overly aggressive.

I'm not making excuses. I have a lot of thoughts about what to do differently if I do go to tournament again. Because tournament sparring is a completely different beast from combat. Its a whole different type of objective and tactic. I get that a little better now, I think. Even though Nick has told me on many occasions that tournament sparring is like playing tag, you don't really understand how much so until you go do it. The judges can also only call what they see, so if they are on the far side of where your hits land, they cannot call a hit, etc. Watching the way people in my division were sparring after I was out, it was pretty ridiculous.

I was discussing it with a friend of mine, and he said that point/sport/tournament sparring, or really any sport fighting (he mentioned fencing) is pretty lame in the fact that you have to do unrealistic things to win. Things that would probably not work in real life, at all. So I have decided to work on practicing some pretty ridiculous tactics in order to freak my opponent out and secure a victory. However, I do this full well understanding that this is NOTHING like real violence. (Normally my one issue with sparring, the fact that it really doesn't prepare you for real violence.)

Anyway, so sparring was a learning experience. Not one I really liked, but I did come away with some ideas.

After sparring, I was a little upset, I was VERY disappointed in myself. I don't know if it was nerves, or what, but I felt pretty sick. And after I bit, I went to the bathroom and barfed. : /

After that, I went to my kata ring, and competed in kata. I placed second! Which was pretty good. Then I threw up again.

And again in the car on the way home.

I cannot tell if it was nerves that had me so worked up all day, or what. But I'm not eager to go to tournament again. I probably will, just to see if I can get over my fear a little more. And probably learn something else. But it was an experience.

Bucket List... its never too early!

Please pardon this post, it has very little to do with Martial Arts, and nothing at all with Fitness or Nutrition in general. This another personal post about goals.

Last time, I posted some of my Martial Arts goals, which I am on my way to accomplishing. Building good practice habits, and learning more material for my Orange Belt, etc. However, I've really been thinking a lot about what I want to do with my life lately, and some things I would like to accomplish before I 'kick the bucket' as it were. This has been mostly inspired by some of the books I am reading, namely "Hyperfitness" by Sean Burch and "The Way of Kata" by Kris Wilder and Lawrence Kane, among other things. I'm not very far into either of these books yet, but they are both good so far. Hyperfitness is a pretty inspiring and motivational read. The history chapter of Way of Kata is very cool and makes me want to study harder and re-enforces the fact that I want to devote my life to Martial Arts.

Hence, I have decided to create a Bucket List. Granted, I'm only 22 and I don't intend to die anytime soon, God willing. But I still want to do it. My list is still small at this point, but I'm sure it will grow as I figure out more things I want to do and as I accomplish these goals.

Last night I mentioned this to my boyfriend, that I was making a Bucket List. He gave me this really weird look and said "You're too young for one of those." Then I gave him a really weird look and said "What?! No Way! Why wait to start doing the things I want to do with my life? I want to start working towards them now!"

My list can grow and change as I do, but if I wait, who's to say I'll get it all in before I bite the dust?!?! Granted, I could die tomorrow (or at any time) in some freak accident with none of these things accomplished. But if I don't even try, or if I just keep putting it off till tomorrow, then I'll never get any of them done for certain. That's a scary thought. I don't want to be on my death bed 60 or 80 years from now and look back and think, "Wow... coulda, shoulda, woulda...."

So, here we go, my Bucket List thus far, in somewhat of a no particular order:

1) Travel to Japan
2) Learn to speak, read and write Japanese at a more or less fluent level
3) Obtain an 8th degree black belt ranking in a Martial Art (preferably Aiki) and teach M.A.
4) Get at least one book published
5) Go to driving school and learn to power slide a car among other wicked sweet racecar/stunt diver moves
6) Swim with real live sharks in the ocean

I pledge to never look back with regret and say "coulda, shoulda, woulda...". Instead, I want to live Carpe Diem! Seize the day! I want to live each day to its fullest potential, always looking for the positive aspect of any situation and treating others with kindness.

Find out what you want from life and make it happen people! Only you have the power to make your dreams real, so do it! Don't let anything or anyone hold you back. There is no such phrase as "I can't." YOU CAN. If you want it, you can make it happen. Throw caution to the wind! Don't listen when someone tells you: you can't, or you're not good enough, or your dream or idea is stupid. If you are pursuing what you love, then you will be happy and fulfilled. Those people who have only negative things to say to you are not happy with their lives, so ignore them and follow your bliss.

~ Samurai Girl Sahara

Face your fears

Tonight, in honor of my dojo's Wednesday night fight club, I wanted to write about facing your fears.

Wednesday night we have a sparring class after group class.

To put it in perspective, I practiced in a Karate dojo for a few months when I was in elementary school, but right as I got to yellow belt they closed my school down and that was the end of that, I never got my gear and I never got to spar. In high school I practiced Aikijutsu at Guinn Martial Arts, where we did grappling and joint locks, but never did any full on sparring. I wanted to take Kempo to get some perspective and see what a striking art is like as opposed to a grappling art.

I recently ordered the basics of my sparring gear, which came in just about three weeks ago. I had it for about a week or so before I had things sorted out to be able to attend Wednesday night Fight Club.

The week before last was my first time sparring. Anyone who doesn't know me, I will tell you, I'm pretty small. In the adult class at my dojo, I am the smallest one there. In Aiki it was me a bunch of large guys, most of whom were brown belts. So I'm pretty used to practicing with bigger and higher ranking students. I'm not afraid of being hit or getting into a fight, or working with larger, higher ranking students. Regardless, I had managed to get myself pretty worked up in anticipation for Fight club. And it didn't help that before fight club, my classmates were teasing me because my gear was red, not black. How red makes me a giant target, etc. (On a side note, Thats not cool. You don't pick on your classmates like that. Further, you don't pick on anyone like that.) Either way, I was pretty freaked out. Freaked out to the point where I ALMOST walked out of the dojo and deciding not to spar at all. ALMOST. But I didn't.

I lined up when class started, and I did it anyway, even though I was completely freaked out and had no idea what to expect. To begin, it wasn't all that bad. I did fine with the blue belt and the purple belt, neither one were fighting very hard, which was probably good. I felt like I kind of got warmed up, got used to the gear a little bit, got a little more used to moving in really close. But it felt more like playing tag than sparring, which had me a little disappointed.

And then there was the brown belt. Jacob is a very a hard hitter. This was the first time I'd ever really had someone trying to FIGHT me. I got kicked, hard. And hit, hard. And I got the wind knocked out of me. And I fought back, as hard as I could. And really, it wasn't that bad at all. I even liked it. (Again, this seems pretty trivial compared to what I have heard from Sensei Nick about training with some of the really great martial artists and what it feels like to get hit by them, or things I have heard from friends that work security, but you gotta start somewhere I guess.)

To be very fair, and very blatantly honest with you, as much as I don't want to admit this, I will. After class, I went in the back, and I cried. Yep. I think it was the fact that I was all worked up over nothing more than anything and I had gotten it over with and I was just fine. I was relieved! My instructor asked what was wrong and if something had happened, one of my classmates piped up and said, "I think she just feels how we all felt after our first time sparring." I don't know if thats true or not, but it did feel good to get it over with and realize that it wasn't such a big deal. Even so, I was a little shaky, and a little teary. I honestly doubt this is anything at all like the 'chemical cocktail' Roy Miller describes in his book "Meditations on Violence", (which is a very excellent and eye opening read, by the way), and I feel pretty stupid about it now, even though it is kind of an adrenaline rush. I'm glad I could experience something like this in the dojo for the first time, rather than on the street. I feel like I am at least a little bit better prepared to know what to expect and how to handle it afterward if I ever do have to defend myself on the street.

I guess, what I'm trying to get at with all this is that, even if something scares the crap out of you, you need to get in there and face it, conquer it, and make it your own! Since then I've gotten to spar 2 or 3 more times, and it was neither scary nor upsetting. In fact, I find it quite fun. Yes, I've already gotten a nasty bruise and had the wind knocked out of me a few more times, but I still really enjoy it. I think, for me, at this point in my Martial Arts training, its great experience and I feel like I'm learning a lot from it. But had I walked out that door because I was scared, I would have never known that.

Don't quit! Don't give up just because something scares you! Just because that guy is bigger than you, or you think he can hit harder than you, or his belt is a different color than yours. Or whatever sort of fear or difficulty you're facing. Don't give up. Don't walk away. Face it and you can become stronger for it. You may get hit, and you may walk away with a few bruises. You may even decide you don't like whatever it was you just did and you never want to do it again. And thats fine, as long as you face it, and try it first. I could have totally hated sparring, but if I hadn't at least taken the first step and gotten in there and done it at least once, I wouldn't have known either way. As Buzz Lightyear would say "Never give up! Never surrender!"

I will end with a quote from my Sensei Nick. He has said this to me a lot recently, I don't know if I'm quoting it verbatim, but it is a good quote, I like it, and I feel like its appropriate.  "The difference between fear and bravery is the willingness to act." I like Nick's wording a little better, but I think the original quote is "Courage is simply the willingness to be afraid and act anyway." ~ Robert Anthony


Thats that everyone. This week/weekend, I challenge you to go out and do something that scares you! :D


Till next time, 

~Samurai Girl Sahara